Am I Just Being Rebellious?
Am I deconstructing or just reacting to my past?
Do I really not believe in all this anymore, or am I just rebelling against the people that raised me?
When you’ve been mastered by a religioust institutino for so long, it’s natural to want to make sure you’re not being mastered by an emotional reaction either.
Obviously, this something you’ll have figure out on your own, but here are a few things to consider as you do:
Rebellion is often given a bad connotation in religious contexts, i.e. rebelling against God or rebelling against your parents in order to engage in “sinful” behavior. But developmentally, testing boundaries and experimenting with life and consequences is a natural and healthy part of development (to a point). Are you actually “rebelling” in a dangerous way, or are you engaging in natural and healthy exploration of independence, but suffering from the impact of an inherited stigma about challenging the status quo?
Your need to rebel is there for a reason. You’re reacting to something that’s chafing against your internal world, and that’s important information to process. Even if you ultimately decide to return to your beliefs, the fact that this feels important to you is reason enough to explore it.
You can always change your mind again. You can always return to any beliefs you want. You’re a grown up. Explore deconstruction and ultimately decide it’s not for you? There’s nothing stopping you from returning to any faith tradition you like. They’d love to have you. This isn’t now or never… you have options. Explore what you like and come to whatever conclusion seems best to you.
tl;dr: Take yourself seriously. Give yourself some credit. You’re not 13, and this isn’t your curfew. This is your life, your spirituality, and you’re allowed to explore, believe, and go wherever seems best to you.
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Thanks for reminding me i’m a grown up! Sometimes i forget!