Today is my birthday! Happy Birthday to me.
I’ve always done self-reflection on my birthday, but my pre-deconstruction and post-deconstruction birthday reflections are yielding very different results.
Here’s how I’ve changed how I think about the process of living, aging, and marking the passing of time.
1. I’m more forgiving of some things and less forgiving of others.
I used to be really forgiving when people were mean or even indifferent to me. Now… I just don’t have any patience for that. If you don’t seem interested in me as a friend or a person, I’m don’t feel the need to win you over or try to get you to like me. On the other hand, when people I love say something that hurts me or hits me the wrong way, I’m a lot more inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt, allow a relationship to have its limitations, and not stew on it for days. Is this a post-faith thing, or a therapy-progress thing, or a general-maturity think? Probably all of the above.
2. I’m less worried about making an impact in the world.
Birthdays use to mark the ticking clock of how I wasn’t living up to my potential or making the most of my talents or going into all the world and making disciples of all nations. Now, I’m just trying to keep my side of the street clean, which sometimes means engaging in the needs of others, and sometimes means just accepting my limitations and minding my own business.
3. I’m more and more committed to living in the present.
I used to daydream about what heaven will be like and look forward to being unencumbered by all my insecurities, free to finally live life to the fullest! But now I realize that I don’t have to wait until I’m dead to try to enjoy life. I can actually choose to be bold and go for what I want while I’m still well enough to try. I don’t know what will come at the end of it all, but I do know that it will be different. So now’s my chance to live this version of life with as much light and love as I possibly can, and I want to make the most of this opportunity.
4. I’m less obsessed with self-reflection overall.
Always feeling like God was watching every thought and impulse made me a little bit paranoid about my internal state. Self-reflection wasn’t just a practice of mindfulness, but of product of hypervigilance and anxiety. I no longer fret when I go for long bouts of not journaling. I only look inward when it’s prompted by desire or wellbeing, and not by fear. I feel generally more okay just existing without deep intentionality or awareness of every moment.
I’m sure there’s more I could reflect on, but after writing that last point, I’m realizing I think that’s enough reflection for today… time to go bake myself a birthday cake.
Happy first day of spring and last day of Pisces season… here’s to another trip around the sun.
Happy belated Joy! I hope you had a wonderful day however you chose to mark it. 🌸
Happy Birthday! I can also relate to all of those thoughts. Like is it ok to just enjoy life and family and be a decent person to those around me? No agenda?! When you said something about hyper vigilance made me wonder about the mindfulness methods I’ve been learning to change habits. I wonder if I’m still trying to improve myself but it is a lot about acceptance and loving-kindness to yourself and being curious about things. We shall see. :)