What if my kids become Christians?

Real life parenting after deconstruction

Hey all—don’t miss the Parenting Workshop I’m hosting next Monday 5/6 at 5pm Pacific about nurturing spirituality in your kids without religion. I’ll be talking to two women who have a ton of training, expertise, and knowledge in the science and psychology of how kids are wired to connect to their souls and to the world. Tickets here if you’d like to join us.

One of my worst moments as a parent

was the day I tried to “encourage” my 4 year old daughter to accept Jesus into her heart. I could read her body language that she was uncomfortable, and I kept pushing her, feeling that all-too-familiar ick I had learned to ignore when telling people about Jesus.

She eventually agreed to “pray the prayer” with me, and afterward I cried and hugged her, so relieved that I had certainty of my daughter’s eternal salvation to rely on throughout her life.

But a few years later, she brought up that moment—one of the few she remembered from that age—and told me how horrible she felt in that moment.

By then, I had un-accepted Jesus in my heart myself, and was able to recognize my actions for what they were, and apologize.

I still can’t believe sometimes how blind I was to this idea of “raising children in the way they should go” and how most of it was plain old indoctrination. We presented the gospel to kids as a choice they were free to make, but warned of terrifying and demonic consequences if they chose wrong.

Since that day I’ve grown a lot as a parent, but I still sometimes worry about their spiritual future (just not their eternal one).

I worry about what they’ll do when they feel lonely.

My elementary kids don’t have Jesus to pray to when they feel lonely in their beds, or at school. Sure, we’re working on some language for the vague sense of “higher power” that we’ve talked about… but it’s not as tangible as imagining a person with a name who you have stories about. And seeing themselves as their own solitary companion is a little beyond their developmental stage at the moment.

And my kids are still relatively young. What about as they advance through middle school, high school, college? When their brains urge them to solve problems and seek approval away from their parents? Having Jesus in my heart and mind was one of the greatest comforts of my adolescent life. What will my kids turn to when their feelings are overwhelming?

Wisps of research about how teens untethered to spirituality have higher rates of addiction, depression, and risky behavior, and I have to stop those thoughts, and keep working one day at a time to figure it out.

I worry that their Christian friends will shun them, reject them, or evangelize them, because they (from what I can see so far) likely aren’t going to be interested in religion.

I know from being the prosletyzer (to my Catholic friend) and the prosletyzee (from my Church of Christ friend when she found out I hadn’t been baptized yet) that differences of religion are hard on young relationships. ONe of my kids has already gotten hurt when a Christian buddy shut him down for wondering out loud how the world got to be here.

Will they miss out on meaningful moments with their besties because I’m not comfortable sending them to Christian summer camp? Will they want to go to youth group and get sucked into the hype? Will they be able to find friends who are sensible and “wholesome” who don’t make them feel bad for their faith?

I worry that maybe Christianity could be a good fit for them, and when they discover that, they will be upset with me for withholding a Christian upbringing from them.

This one is maybe more funny than genuine worry, because the thought of a grown up version of my kids trying to persuade me that Jesus died for my sins is making me chuckle. I think this is one worry I can safely put in the “we’ll cross that bridge if we come to it.”

I worry that they won’t have a sense of purpose or love in life, and will be prone to depression or nihilism.

Will they decide to take ownership of their spirituality, will I be able to nurture a value for spirituality outside of religion? Or will they depend instead on the short-term wins of their screens and their achievements to feel okay, and feel aimless when those things don’t work forever? I know Christianity wouldn’t solve either of those things in the first place… but now I really don’t know a path to meaning for them.

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I don’t spend all my time worrying about my kids spirituality… but I spend enough time worrying about it. Too bad I don’t have a verse to tell me not to worry anymore, right? 😉

I’m doing my best to face the worry with love, and confidence, and reassurance to myself that if I stay present, express love, say “I’m sorry,” and keep working, that’s going to cover a lot of ground that religion could never cover.

And, I’m going to keep learning, which is why I’m hosting this parenting workshop, and why I hope you’ll join me, too:

Come hear practical advice, encouragement, and the latest psychological research on what matters (and what doesn’t!) when nurturing spirituality and values in your kids of all ages.

This panel-style conversation will feature Uplift Kids cofounders Amanda Suarez, M.A., licensed school counselor and certified Conscious Parenting coach, and Michelle Larson, M.A., Marriage, Couple, & Family Counseling, Developmental & Faith Transition and IFS training.

Topics will cover knowing how and when to share your own deconstruction process with your kids, how to nurture their souls without religious indoctrination, and how to navigate mixed-faith family (and extended family) relationships.

All attendees will receive:

• Link to attend a live panel-style workshop held Monday, May 6th, at 5:00 p.m. Pacific Time.

• Link to view recording afterwards

• FREE lesson on how to approach Spirituality from Uplift Kids

• Printable resource of FEEL approach to emotional regulation

One ticket per household… co-parents are welcome to watch with you!