Can't even begin to tell you how helpful this is. Going through a really similar thing, it hadn't occurred to me that it was part of the wider deconstruction.
And it feels light a weight lifted to know I'm not awful as a person for considering separation!
Thank you for your work here, it is so appreciated x
Thanks for addressing this. It’s the most difficult part of deconstruction- evaluating all the really big life choices you made because of evangelicalism.
Thank you for being so vulnerable, Joy. I made a decision 20 yrs ago to marry someone who didn't share my religious beliefs and my marriage was never accepted in any of the churches I attended before my deconstruction. This helps to reinforce my real reasons for choosing him based on what I wanted, not who the church said I should pick.
Hey Joy thanks for sharing this and being so vulnerable in writing this. As what a few have commented here, it really means a lot to those of us who are deconstructing our marriage/partnership/relationship too.
I just want to be honest here too and say that I kinda disagree that we have to "let go of what we always wanted", even as we "embrace what we have". For me and my partner, we realised that there are things that we genuinely wanted for our relationship that was genuinely us, but we had been trying to force these genuine wants into the box that evangelical Christianity had set for us. E.g. My partner just wants a companion who can watch anime with him, but I used to force myself to watch ALL anime with him even when I didn't like it, so as to be his "supportive wife".
As we deconstructed, more recently with the help of therapy, we realised that even as there are limitations to what we could do for each other, especially as we continued to find our sense of self back and set personal boundaries, we could and should continue to want what we've always wanted and communicate that to each other. Even when we could not exclusively fulfil it for each other, having the freedom to find a new community to fulfil those wants with have injected much needed light and clarity into our relationship and strengthened it. Moreover, we found that much of what we wanted could be fulfilled by each other if only we had been more honest with one another, rather than not daring to speak up "out of consideration for the other". And that has been resparking our relationship.
Of course, I'm not saying any of this is easy. There were many times me and my partner wanted to end it, and we also went through all the struggles that you talked about in your article. But I just really wanted to say here that our "real" dreams (not dreams planted there by the church) are valid and we can continue holding on to them. 😊
Hi Cel! I really appreciate your thoughtful response. I totally agree that some things --- we shouldn't have to give up. I guess it's hard to cover all the nuance without going into details. I think in my case the "dreams" I had to let go of turned out to be things that just won't happen because they were unrealistic... while other dreams I absolutely have needed to own and prioritize and stop denying myself. I think the beautiful thing is that whatever direction the dreams need to go, we're listening to that inner voice and making sure it gets top billing. Really happy you guys have made so much progress... I am working on doing the same!
Great post. This was one of the hardest things I went through in my deconstruction process. Giving myself and my partner the choice to leave was absolutely terrifying, but learning the value in choosing each other has strengthened our relationship.
Can't even begin to tell you how helpful this is. Going through a really similar thing, it hadn't occurred to me that it was part of the wider deconstruction.
And it feels light a weight lifted to know I'm not awful as a person for considering separation!
Thank you for your work here, it is so appreciated x
Honest self reflection will mess up your life for sure
Thanks for addressing this. It’s the most difficult part of deconstruction- evaluating all the really big life choices you made because of evangelicalism.
I agree. Reclaiming all the areas you didn’t know you had a choice.
“Some of you are terrified to realize you have a choice.”- Joy
You showed me this and I will be forever grateful. This one “ realization “ has changed everything. I am calm now. I can trust myself.
You are a superb writer.
😘 😘 😘
Thank you for being so vulnerable, Joy. I made a decision 20 yrs ago to marry someone who didn't share my religious beliefs and my marriage was never accepted in any of the churches I attended before my deconstruction. This helps to reinforce my real reasons for choosing him based on what I wanted, not who the church said I should pick.
You were a REBEL! I love it. You had some sort of inner knowing of what you needed and listened to it! So many would love to have done that.
Just over here sobbing. We’re in a very similar spot and so far have come to the same conclusions. It’s wild!
Handing you the Kleenex. Hugs!
I cannot tell you how much I relate to this!! So refreshing to see my thoughts and feelings put into words!
💗 thanks for affirming it’s not just me
Thank you for writing and sharing this vulnerable piece.
Thanks for reading it and commenting 💗 makes it worth it!
Thank you. This is a very helpful perspective.
You are welcome ❤️
Hey Joy thanks for sharing this and being so vulnerable in writing this. As what a few have commented here, it really means a lot to those of us who are deconstructing our marriage/partnership/relationship too.
I just want to be honest here too and say that I kinda disagree that we have to "let go of what we always wanted", even as we "embrace what we have". For me and my partner, we realised that there are things that we genuinely wanted for our relationship that was genuinely us, but we had been trying to force these genuine wants into the box that evangelical Christianity had set for us. E.g. My partner just wants a companion who can watch anime with him, but I used to force myself to watch ALL anime with him even when I didn't like it, so as to be his "supportive wife".
As we deconstructed, more recently with the help of therapy, we realised that even as there are limitations to what we could do for each other, especially as we continued to find our sense of self back and set personal boundaries, we could and should continue to want what we've always wanted and communicate that to each other. Even when we could not exclusively fulfil it for each other, having the freedom to find a new community to fulfil those wants with have injected much needed light and clarity into our relationship and strengthened it. Moreover, we found that much of what we wanted could be fulfilled by each other if only we had been more honest with one another, rather than not daring to speak up "out of consideration for the other". And that has been resparking our relationship.
Of course, I'm not saying any of this is easy. There were many times me and my partner wanted to end it, and we also went through all the struggles that you talked about in your article. But I just really wanted to say here that our "real" dreams (not dreams planted there by the church) are valid and we can continue holding on to them. 😊
Hi Cel! I really appreciate your thoughtful response. I totally agree that some things --- we shouldn't have to give up. I guess it's hard to cover all the nuance without going into details. I think in my case the "dreams" I had to let go of turned out to be things that just won't happen because they were unrealistic... while other dreams I absolutely have needed to own and prioritize and stop denying myself. I think the beautiful thing is that whatever direction the dreams need to go, we're listening to that inner voice and making sure it gets top billing. Really happy you guys have made so much progress... I am working on doing the same!
Great post. This was one of the hardest things I went through in my deconstruction process. Giving myself and my partner the choice to leave was absolutely terrifying, but learning the value in choosing each other has strengthened our relationship.